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    April 04

    为了那二十年的纪念

    今天,清明节。记起来,已经有十多年时间没有回乡扫墓了,那荒坡上的祖墓地,还能找不找得到路径,也不清楚了。少年时,一群孩子在郊野冒着细雨,趁机雀跃欢呼的跳闹,更是一去不复返了。就这样,一屈指,自己也白了头发,弯了腰椎,前几天与同事聊天时点个这个话题,如果有七十几岁的命,算是长寿点的,黄土也已填到了半腰;如果没有的,则已经上胸口快埋到脖子了。所以只好在这里徒称老汉,倚老卖老,说点伤感的话了。

    来日不可知,但时间的波浪一层又一层的把日子推入无尽深渊,此时坐在电脑前打字,一会过后,又已成了记忆的时刻,多么骇人的逝去与流失。所以回忆起来,二十年又是如何,还是那么真切而亲近。那曾经的日子,揭起日记本,我看到的只有两个词:“失望”与“愤怒”,虽然属于青春期的躁动,但少年更多的是沉湎在对未来迷茫的痛苦。当看到动物世界里雏鸟们齐齐张开着嘴,争着妈妈的喂食时,总不自觉地把它联系是读书的渴望,但那段日子,曾经赐给我们的是什么?当年的今日,是同学坐在书桌上,做无关己事的闲谈,不知愁滋味的杞人忧天,一直让我懊悔的还有自己的鲁莽轻狂。那一次换课室的停课事件,事情过后,才知道有多少同学凝望着我,是我的执笔答卷让同学重归平静,而学校领导来时,却冲动的离去,不懂得申张自己的权利。那样的结局,那样的无助,那样的失望,注定了一大群人未来的命运,是没落而不会是辉煌。有同学详细记录了当时的过程,让我曾是那么的沉痛,既有负了大家,更让自己置身危险边缘。幸运的我,一路走来,到了今天,在夜深人静独自在阳台静坐时,仍不敢想象当日对今天的设想。而前几年与同学聚会时,依然听到同学愤愤不平的怒意。

    一切,一转眼都已是陈年旧事了。离乡的日子,也快与在故乡时出生、成长的日子等同。每一次回乡,也已非常难得可再遇到一旧朋学友,大家都已不知散落到何处去了;就是兄弟姐妹之间,一年也鲜有见面。这难道就是人生的一个过程?二十年,不是一个轮回,在今天,又有多少人,面对着逝去的二十年,作纪念的,是沉痛、是反思,还是叹惜的记忆?

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